how can u be prego again
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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