My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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