I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
