...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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