you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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