girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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