Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize