my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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