If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
