For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
