I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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