At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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