We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
