I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You dont lie about slip and slides
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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