I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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