he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
