he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
