at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You made out with two different species that night
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
