just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Rumble strips road head = magical
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
