Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....