remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And then my night got REAL pukey
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
