apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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