I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
