i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
