Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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