Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
