I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
