My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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