doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
