I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
