So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
