He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
