the condom got lost in my hair
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
