I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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