Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
