Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
