It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have tasted many bathrooms
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
