are you still at the devil's house?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
