if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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