I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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