If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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