I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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