Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
