I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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