here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
