her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
