I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
