Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
