I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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