sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i think my cat just said my name.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
