Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
