I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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