the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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