So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
