My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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