My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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