I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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