Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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