Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize