I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
