laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
