I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
