You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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