Kiss
Puke
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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