Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I will pee on everything he values.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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