eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
